How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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