Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
