This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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