I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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