Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
