The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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