new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
