Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
