How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
