i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
