About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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