just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
