And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
