No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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