I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
