We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
