i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
