i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
