So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
