hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
