either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
