remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
