You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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