So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
