If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
