Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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