She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
