I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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