I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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