You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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