you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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