Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
