I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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