Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
