PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
