Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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