You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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