Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
