There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
