I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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