I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
