So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
