Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
