So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
FUCK WHALES
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
