Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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