I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
