What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
