You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
