You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
What a dumb baby whore.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
