And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
