Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
