guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
