So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
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i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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