you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
